i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
