Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Randomize
