After last night, I could never be a politician.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
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