Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Randomize
