I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
Randomize
