i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
