How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Randomize
