But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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