If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
