She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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