fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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