Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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