I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
