i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
