there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
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It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
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Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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