Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
