I have demons in me.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
