the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
