I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
