she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
