I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Randomize
