My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
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