Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
