He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
In other news, I just burned my penis
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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