for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
