Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
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