On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Randomize
