U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Randomize
