I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I am available for nakedness
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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