my mouth tastes like poor choices
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
