so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Randomize
