I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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