are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
