my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
