New low: just hacked my moms facebook
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Randomize
