I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
