That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Randomize
