My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
