I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
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