On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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