new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
