just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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