So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
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