they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Randomize
