Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
This beer is not sobering me up at all
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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