I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
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