I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
