I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
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I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
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i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
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