my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
Randomize
