Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
