So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
