I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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