how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
