When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
my nose is crying tears of wow.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
