I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
