i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
