My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
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