Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
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