Taylor Swift is so right about you.
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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