A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Randomize
