well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
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